Lying in bed listening to the rain, blankets all crunched up and a PlayStation remote half poking me in the head. But what i cant get off my mind was this dear old conversation I heard today between an old frail man and a young girl.
The old man sitting comfertably on a stool in Front of a cannabis shop. Staring at the girl waiting outside for her parents. The old man calls out, “girl can I help you” the girl reply “Im lost” so the man edges forward and replies “your parents will be out soon don’t worry dear child.” She replied impatiently in a harsh bratty tone “I don’t know what I want! Its not fair” the old man gave a chuckle and asked her to come over, what he said next I nearly fell off my chair.
“Child, you don’t know what you want and there can be only two reasons. The first, you already have what you want and simply havnt noticed it yet. And the second. You just don’t know yourself well enough. Look at me I have a wife of 70 years and im trying to pick up grannies here out side the dagga shop. I I don’t know what I want either. Or after 70 years I have no clue of who I really am, which of quite recent I can understand, as im completely lost!”
So im thinking of moving to Thailand again. Starting off fresh again for the hundredth time. I guess we learn and grow but for some reason I feel this need to move again will be judged negatively by others as if I cant commit to one thing for a long period of time. I don’t understand it. Is it because my path leads else where and in my head I know this and constantly keep wanting to move. Or is it due to not being able to commit. My cant I commit. Is there something wrong with my personality or is it that I’ve never been truly comfortable with what i do.
Now this may sound silly but im so excited to move and be free, make my own choices again! Its something I cant contain and I am struggling to wait.
Now there is a catch as always. If I move I may not be successfully, ill try damn hard but what if? Or i can be successful. But if I stay with the Job I have whos to say it wont get better, security with this job. I know my pay check. I know it might increase over time. Starting your own project you have no idea the out comes. What if I fail. And come home and start at square one all over again. What if my lover leaves me because of this. What if her family dislikes me.
Truth is I am a creative soul and there is no way around it. I love creating. Whether its art, or website, or small businesses! I love coming up with ideas! Most of them so far have failed and I guess that’s okay in a sense. I just need that one chance of success. And im fucking frightened I don’t find it.
Its raining here, porring to be honest, im sitting at a wooden table in a dirty resturant. A place people come before visiting the whores across the road. Water droplets hitting me and all the whilst pondering on the lives of the women across the road. Didn’t you say it was a sin? You didnt say much though. Im listening to a man by the name of Alan watts, his take on life and profound way of understanding this pathetic game we call life although its not truly a game at all from the sounds of things. I do not ponder your existence, i ponder about the understanding towards the decisions you have made. Or were there decisions made at all? Free will is what you called it but its like driving down a road with no breaks, the opposite lane is full with bustling cars and there is an on coming car in my lane. The breaks don’t work. And so here comes my understanding of free will. It comes to no surprise that some choices are harder then others. Consequences begin to arise. But as an entity with all your power and understanding, do I swerve off the road and fall down the cliff killing myself, pull over onto incoming traffic and kill six people, or simply smash into the car in Front of me killing everyone including the six month old baby with one survivor, the drunken father whos been laid off work and lost everything, his wife, assets and well his six month old child depending on the choice I make.
Now you see, I don’t remember signing a contract with terms and conditions and im not upset with you at all. I just struggle to understand how priests can live luxurious lives traveling the world in private Jets while Ashi Mobesta in Bokfontein township, aged 7, has starved more night in her awaken life then nights there have been a full moon.
Some say we deserve it, other say its just the luck of the draw. But is it really? There is a drought for 12 months, enslaving financially hundreds of farmers, hundreds of thousands of family. And im sat here with ear phones in playing no music just trying to evade communication. Must some how understand your plan.
Last week one of the workers and old man aged 51, spends his days breaking rocks with 20 pound sledge hammer, for 12 hours a day. His family lives 1000km away. Coming home eat night to a tin house and eating meals consisting of maize and water. A man who has done no wrong and lived a life of hard ship. This man lost his 18 year old son last week, with not even enough money to bury his own child. He sat next to me and cried, screamed. With a tone angels have never heard. Like he was 6ft underground stuck in well.
At this moment I realized how cheap and pathetic life is. And I asked you why you allowed this to happen. With no reply.
But what convinces us we are worthy of your reply, what convinces us you are not kali the Hindu god of pain. For without the dark of night you cannot see the stars. Without times of destruction we cannot see the collateral beauty. What if you are the reason we see the beauty. For only after suffering do we appreciate luxury. How do you scale this, measure these opposites. Who sits and reassures you there is balance kept on earth.
When we reached the moon and returned a young journalist asked the astronaut. Have you seen heaven beyond our earth? The astronaut replied yes. Did you see god and if so what did he look like? The astronaut replied, yes. She is black.
You see we all have this perception of a father like figure when it comes to you. But does your image matter. What if I witnessed you wearing a black shirt scruffy old woman dark in colour with a sword in one hand and a human corps in the other. Would I tremble, would I think less of you. What if, you created this physical existence but we humans are a mere creation of those you created before us.
What if we humans with knowledge and many years of understanding could become God. To say if in 200 years we created a medical means towards immortality. Teleport and true Telepathy. The ability to walk through more then just our physical plain but spiritual ones to. With this being said would there be pyramid power dividing systems between the knowledgeable Gods created and yourself at the top. Would there be a ranking? Is there a ranking? Have Gods been created before in our universe under your rule.
If not, why is there only one true God and not many. If not,
'LET US ESCAPE' 